I recently did a collaboration with a lingerie company, something pretty outside of my normal branding. And I guess that got me thinking about love and intimacy – what they are and what they mean. After that post, I was asked by a follower to write a full post about my thoughts on intimacy, and because I figure that the two go hand in hand, I decided to break them up into two sections đ So here we go:
I think for a really long time I felt that intimacy solely revolved around physical closeness. How could I not? How could we not? The media tells us that physical closeness is the epitome of love and intimacy on a daily basis. And that sucks.
Iâm certainly no expert when it comes to love. And Iâm definitely not qualified to offer advice to you by any means, but I can tell you what I think and what I believe.
LOVE
Sometimes Iâm not even really sure I know what it is. But I guess I can tell you what I think it is.
I think love is first and foremost the way that you see the world. It then becomes how you choose to move forward with those views.
When I visit big cities like DC, NYC, STL, SF, or CHI with friends and I stop to chat with homeless people, protestors, or groups fighting for a cause, my friends always comment, âYouâre not used to the city yet, are you?â A part of me tends to laugh at this, because noâŠI donât think Iâll ever get used to âliving in the city.â They are still people. We look at them, but we donât really see them.
Growing up, I watched my mom serve our community as president of our community ktichen back home. I watched her converse with people and get to know their names and their stories. I listened as she mourned deaths that didnât even make it to the obituary section in our hometown newspaper. Why? Because those souls were just mere shadows to the rest of the world. So no, I will never get used to âliving in the city.â Because I see the shadows – and it is in the way that I see the world and in the way that I love. Sometimes love isnât just throwing money at people, itâs letting them know that you actually see them.
I know that youâre here to talk about relationships, so I suppose that I can speak to what I think love is when it comes to sharing it with another humanâŠ.
Love is something you canât really explain. Itâs everything wrapped up into one, and no combination of 26 letters mushed together can possibly come up with the proper diction to capture it and do it justice. Itâs in the way they speak, the way they move us, they way they inspire us, but most importantly in the way they make us feel.
Screw the love poems. Love isnât finding your other half – itâs being a whole by yourself and figuring out how do to life with another whole. Itâs also not being able to live without that person⊠itâs knowing that you can live without them, but wanting to live with them anyway.
Itâs trying to truly make them happy. Itâs buying them flowers without them asking you to, but rather simply because you want to. Itâs putting your phone down when theyâre near, because in that time and space itâs you and them and no one else.
Love is being there through the most difficult times, so that you can deserve to also be there through the best of times. Itâs saying sorry when you know youâre wrong, and sometimes having to put pride to bed. Itâs waking up each morning grateful for another gifted 24 hours to spend with your loved ones in the forefront of your mind. And it is treating them as a consideration rather than a convenience, because you know that those two things are completely and utterly different.
It is giving someone the willingness to feel loved, and to feel like they belong somewhere and with someone.
Love is being thoughtful – not because it is expected or obligatory – but because you merely want to and you see the value in investing in relationships. Itâs remembering their favorite episode of The Office so you can watch it together when theyâre feeling down, or knowing their favorite Christmas carol so you can belt it out together on Christmas Eve. It is making an effort to know their likes and dislikes because my oh myâŠ. they matter.
And most importantly, love is giving your time and attention. Think about it.
What will you be thinking of while you lie on your death bed?
Will it be your fame?
Your fortune?
How proud you are of how many grueling hours you spent slaving away in the office?
No. Youâll be thinking about the people sitting next you in that very room, in that very moment. Youâll be wondering if you gave them enough time and attention, and wishing you gave them more. Youâll wish you made a rule to put phones down at family meals to discuss the day, because youâve finally realized that itâs the small things that make up the big things. Youâll wish you had said yes to that coffee date and cultivated that friendship, or said yes to that friend getaway at the cabin in Aspen, or said yes to that birthday party you suddenly couldnât go to because work came up. Youâll wish you had put down the phone while you and your partner went to bed each night to end the day with a kiss instead of a tweet. And youâll wish that you had told that one person that you loved them when you had the chance instead of assuming that they already knew, because youâve finally realized that we are human and we cannot simply read minds nor can we fully remember how loved we are.
Love is one of the most complex things to fill our world, and yet it remains simple. Love is a decision you make each day. It is how you choose to spend your time, and who you decide to allocate it to.
Itâs kind of funny how difficult it is to tell someone how we feel. I wonder if thatâs why it makes it so hard to say âI love you.â Maybe I overthink it, or maybe I donât. Itâs like we want those three little words to actually mean something, so we refrain from ever letting that little phrase ever escape our overprotective grasp. And then all of a sudden we let it go – kind of like a release. And then itâs out there in the open, leaving us raw, vulnerable, and human. Embarassment sets in with fear following close behind – a fear that we wonât hear those three little words returned.
But I guess hereâs the thing about telling someone you love them⊠it happens all around us. Itâs saying âText me when you make it home,â or âStay off your phone while youâre driving.â Itâs sitting in silence when thatâs what your partner needs, or doing the dishes without being prompted. Itâs treating your mom and dad to a cup of joe and mindful conversation, after they spent 18 years investing in you, loving you without hesitation, or expecting anything in return.
There are a million and one ways to tell someone we love them, but the thing to remember is that we ought to shove fear and embarassment aside. Thereâs no shame in loving too hard or putting ourselves on the line. Wouldnât you rather have loved too hard, than to not have loved at all?
As someone who personally struggles to tell my loved ones how I feel, itâs quite honestly been difficult for me to utter those three little words to my friends and family. So if that is you too, please know you are not alone. Itâs not as easy for some of us. But I guess for now we can work on finding other thoughtful ways to communicate our love and appreciation until we find the courage to relase those 8 little letters.
Iâm only 22, but I hope that someday Iâll be able to look back on my life and recall how hard I loved my family, my friends, my peers and acquaintances, and my partner.
Iâd rather love too hard, than not love at all.
And I hope you do too.
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